Breaking All Illusions

Or, the working title, "Falling Back to Earth, Part 2." So are you ready for the next dose of reality? Yeah, me neither.

Yesterday I established that I'm experiencing a faith crisis. At the time, to me, that meant I didn't know what God was looking for from me, and I was confused as to why He either wasn't listening to me, or He just wasn't answering. But something I should have been concerned about all along was whether or not it was simply me not listening to what He was saying.

The deeper reality of what I've been going through, not just recently, I've realized, but since the very beginning of my walk, is that I'm not entirely who I believe myself to be. I want to believe, and I want to accept. But in truth, my goals have been off, and I've been seeking for all the wrong reasons. The changes I've seen in my life since then have been legitimate, but again, if done for the wrong reasons, then what good are deeds?

There is an idol in my life. One for which I've based all of this change, when I needed to be doing it for God. Not only for God, but as a natural overflow of my relationship with Him. Instead, it has been the result of the guilt I feel when I do wrong. Knowing this, I'm left with a painful choice to make. I have to make certain that what I'm doing is for the right reasons, but I don't know if I can do that with this idol present.

Mind you, it's not a bad thing, this false god. Not in and of itself, anyway; not if I don't deify it. On the contrary, it was a gateway to the path I needed to walk. But until now, instead of walking that path, I've stood at this threshold, merely imagining that I was continuing onward. So can I actually press forward with this here, or do I have to excruciatingly remove it from my life in order to continue?

Several months ago, I actually took the first steps in the removal of this part of my life. However, soon after that it seemed like God was no longer telling me to make this change. Like the obedience in taking the first steps was all He wanted me to do, to prove to myself that I was faithful, first and foremost, to Him. Now I'm not so sure about that.

I'm begging Him to not make me do this; to reveal a different way to attain the same goal. So I'll ask my readers here to pray that I hear His answer, whether or not it's the one I'm afraid of.