It's been an interesting few days. Interesting, in this case, can be characterized by change, both conditional and spiritual. Of course, with these changes comes also a change of mindset, which I hope will finally set the stage for the radical internal overhaul that I've been needing for so long.
I have been a Christian in name, and my life has reflected that to some degree. And yet, neither of these things necessarily means anything, even together. There's a middle piece that's still missing. I'm still faithless and joyless, engulfed in the chaos of the world, and of my own sullied heart and mind. This mask I've worn has deceived many people, myself included, although some others have seen through it. Now that I'm facing the truth, it's frightening to realize the depth of my own deception.
However, there's something liberating about this mask being off. Like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. My self-deception told me that I had to act like a Christian in order to be a Christian, as a sort of cause and effect. The problem with that is that it attempts to earn the grace that God gives as a gift. That's not legitimate Christianity.
Now that I've faced this truth, I'm free to explore the grace I'm given. Obviously that doesn't mean returning to the more worldly lifestyle I cultivated before; there are changes I've made that I should keep. My point is that those changes don't indicate a change in my soul. God must work in me, and He only can if I allow Him to do so.
In the interest of keeping this real, I should admit that I still don't know exactly what that means or how to do it. How do you "allow" God to work in you? If only I had a thing I could physically do to ensure that this is happening. But I guess that's not faith.
Still praying for a revelation.
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