Turn the Page

I had an eventful weekend. That is to say not much actually happened to directly change anything, but a lot was spoken to me. I guess that's what sermons and seminars are for.

This weekend, I got to hear two great speakers talk about some of the issues and struggles Christians have to deal with in everyday life. Aimed at men specifically, in this case, but nothing says the rules don't apply to everyone. We talked about subjects like obeying God, allowing the hardships in life to shape and temper us, and ultimately getting up and moving on through our brokenness.

These were hard things for me to hear, being as broken as I am. I always inwardly hope that God will just fix my broken parts and give me what I want when that's done. Of course, it's never happened that way, which often leaves me wondering just what the hell God is actually doing with my life. But I guess that's not for me to know yet.

Faith is hard.

Sunday night I had a lot to think about. Between the incidents that have happened over the past year or two and the messages that I heard over the course of the weekend, I was basically a nervous wreck. Still kind of am, to be honest. So I spoke to a friend of mine who can relate and understand, to some extent, the monsters with which I torment myself every day, on account of having similar monsters of their own. That is to say, this person kinda gets me, and I thank God that I've been blessed with such a friend.

Well, during a short, but extremely impactful conversation about one of the main sources of pain and confusion in my life, my friend essentially reiterated everything that was said over the weekend in a short summary: do the work and make the movements that God is commanding me to make, and He will set me free from the things that have a hold on me.

I didn't tell this friend anything about the messages I had been hearing all weekend, nor about the recurring theme, giving me a nagging feeling about one stronghold I've had for a long time. All weekend, I kept thinking about an environment that has been a comfort zone for me for a long time. Unfortunately, it's also become increasingly cancerous in recent times. The feeling I kept getting was telling me that it was time to break free from that fortress, which had kept me emotionally safe in the past, but now acts as a prison.

I'll say again: I didn't tell my friend any of this. Didn't even bring it up. So when it was said that I had to get up and make these movements, I felt like my friend was given God's authority to speak directly to my core, to issue a command for me to immediately break through this stronghold. These words felt like they were spelled out for me plainly, as though written down, in English, on paper.

So today, I did the bravest thing I've ever had to do: I obeyed that command. I believe that God has spoken to me. I don't understand it, and I have no idea what to expect. To say that I'm nervous doesn't even scratch the surface of how petrified I am with fear of this unknown. But I want my God to be sovereign in my life, and I have to believe that He will catch me, even if I fail, when striving after Him.