As anyone who's been following along recently knows, I've been struggling with my faith a lot lately. I've backslidden, I've questioned my legitimacy, and I've found my faith lacking. This leads to further questions and more introspection, ultimately ending with my uncertainty as to whether or not I am all that I claim to be.
After some conversations with people I trust over the past couple of days, and some studying and meditation on the works of Chambers and Lewis this morning, I've found that my faith issues are subdivided into two general issues. One is that I still sin. The other is that I still suffer. In some senses this is causal: I suffer, and I use that as an excuse to pardon my sins. And both of these things together make me question what's different about my life now than it was before I gave it to Christ.
Could it be this simple? That my personal shortcomings and tragedies are what cause my faith to crumble? Am I truly that naïve?
The sad reality of mortal life is that it isn't perfect. Our actions are laced with unloving selfishness that disregards the outcomes and effects on other people. This is both a cause and an effect of the injustice that is inherent in our fallen world. And although as Christians we're called to something greater, to be pure and virtuous and to love like Christ loves, it is acknowledged that we will fail. There will be more sin. There will be more suffering.
And yet, as a further injustice, we are forgiven for all of this.
The acceptance of that grace, then, is the part that I seem to be struggling with. I hate when I lose my temper or slip back into my sinful habits. This backsliding makes me question my legitimacy, and truly, my salvation. I see my poor actions and then contrast them against the lifestyles of other Christians, telling myself that I've failed again, and that I'll never truly change. That line of thought feeds my depression and makes me wish death upon myself.
Contributing to this is the lie that the life of a Christian is always happy. I don't know where I've gotten this ingrained, but it too has had its negative effects. My life since following Christ has been anything but a bed of roses. For some reason I'd inwardly hoped that things would go well for me as a result, but that just isn't the case. And there isn't any reason to think that it would be. Bad things happen to everyone. Again, that's a condition of the world we live in.
Christian faith isn't some magic spell or mantra to breed perfect people or cure all the world's suffering. It's the belief in a God that loves us regardless of our imperfections and redeems us from them. It's the ability to love others in the same way, because that's the grace that's shown to us. It's the true hope of better things to come.
God, help me to be faithful to You. Help me to trust You with my life, enough to lay it down at Your feet for You to do with as You will. I am Yours. Help me to always remember that.
"It's the belief in a God that loves us regardless of our imperfections and redeems us from them. It's the ability to love others in the same way, because that's the grace that's shown to us. It's the true hope of better things to come."
ReplyDeleteSean. Your thoughts are far from unintelligible, and your core theology is very distant from a flawed understanding. Our God is convicting you and exposing lies, and you're learning about the tension between our own fickle will and His relentless love for us. It gives me hope to read.
I want to see you live out of these truths. The deception are going to cling tightly to your heart and habits, even when you intellectually know suffering is normal and Christians still wrestle against a sin nature. Prayer is always beneficial, yet unless you receive a clearly different response, I urge you to also A) read 1 John, and B) lean humbly and vulnerably on Christ's Body here on earth for you, the Church.