Falling Back to Earth

I hate to admit this, but in the interest of growing and overcoming a problem, I feel like coming to terms with it is the first step in finding a solution. That's the twelve-step stance, anyway, isn't it? So here we go.

I am in a state of faith crisis. I'm here because I look around at other Christians, and they make it look so easy. So easy to believe that God is there, listening, answering, and providing what's best for us. So easy to take a genuine interest in faith and theology. They make it look like it's their entire life, there's nothing secular or sinful about them, and their faith is never jeopardized.

In sharp contrast, since I decided to start actively following Christ nearly two years ago, I've been met with almost nothing but opposition. My faith is tested, threatened, and leveled. It's difficult to believe that God wants what's best for me when the most significant events in my spiritual life involve all of my dreams being crushed and my hopes for a better life withering daily. I hate myself for being so bitter, but I don't know what more He wants from me. I have done what I've believed He's asked me to do, and yet the only changes of any significance have been bad news. My heart's desires remain unfulfilled, and I'm left constantly questioning my own legitimacy. Thousands of formless questions pass through my mind, and all of my energy is spent trying to figure out what it is I'm even trying to ask. But they all seem to lead back to the same basic question: What am I still doing wrong?

You may say that the life of a Christian isn't meant to be an easy one. That adversity is a sign that I'm doing something right, and that I just have to forge onward and wait for the storm to break. But what if I break first? Don't others have at least something of some significance going right for them every now and then? A dream fulfilled, to restore their hope?

I am lost. I don't have a bearing or know what I should be doing. Everything I do seems like a mistake, and everything I learn seems ultimately irrelevant. I wander, searching for answers, asking God for the wisdom He promises. And yet, I am still a fool. There seems to be some basic principle that every Christian understands, which I am simply missing. This search has left me demoralized and exhausted, and I don't know how much longer I can continue. I am begging God for mercy, and yet there is no oasis in this desert. I wonder if my prayers are even prayers at all.

I apologize for the apparent negativity of this post. With my previous one, I'd hoped they would be of a happier note, at least for the most part. But this must be addressed. I can't keep faking my spiritual life. If you're reading this, I wholeheartedly ask you to pray for me. An answer from God is the only thing that will fix this.