"Doubt is part of all religion. All religious thinkers were doubters." -Isaac Bashevis Singer
I first found this quote several years ago, while I was trying "find myself" in the wake of a personal crisis. I added it to an entire page of quotes from famous figures, some of which were actual wisdom, while others were probably utter rubbish. I don't think I have that list anymore, but I've always remembered this one specifically, and I think it might have some merit. And while I consider the term "religion" to be too one-dimensional to adequately describe Christianity, I nevertheless maintain that there is truth to the quote itself.
In light of my recent struggles with doubt (in both my faith and myself regarding it), I've been fervently seeking answers to reassure me that I'm not a lost cause because of it. Fortunately I didn't have to go far to find that reassurance, once I knew what I needed to find. Apart from many encouraging words from trusted counsel, there was also a wealth of reading material readily available at my fingertips regarding the subject. Apparently such experiences are not uncommon. Go figure.
I want to start by acknowledging that, in fact. There are, of course, Biblical examples of doubt among Christ's followers. However, on a more modern note, even a quick search revealed prime examples of the truth of the quote above. Reading about some of those examples (and if you didn't bother to click the link, tldr: C.S. Lewis, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther, among others) was a great reassurance in itself. As some of the body's most profound thinkers have wrestled with doubt, who am I to think that I should be immune to it?
Also, as I mentioned, amid my reading I also sought personal counsel from several brothers and sisters to whom I look as either mentors or peers. As I voiced my concerns, the nearly unanimous response was unexpectedly optimistic. Not that I anticipated condemnation by any means, but what I received, in addition to moral support and prayer, was encouragement, in that my introspective recognition and subsequent concern for my condition of doubt is a sign that I'm still growing in my faith (as opposed to having given up in light of hardship). The notion is that recognition was a necessary part of my maturation.
My experience through all of this has led me to believe that some measure of doubt is essential, like a sort of growing pain for faith. I'm certainly no expert on the matter, and I'm sure growth must manifest differently for different people, but I inwardly wonder how faith can ever mature without it.
What it all boils down to in the end is this: yes, I have had doubts. Many of them, in point of fact. But I don't think that means my faith has been shaken, just that it has been tried, and that hasn't been comfortable. But what matters is not that I've questioned even some important things. What matters is that questioning has not ended with me giving up on finding answers that reveal truth. I am resolved to search for the answers I seek until my doubts are laid to rest, or until I am. That, I think, is the essence of faith.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Of Sins and Shadows
As anyone who's been following along recently knows, I've been struggling with my faith a lot lately. I've backslidden, I've questioned my legitimacy, and I've found my faith lacking. This leads to further questions and more introspection, ultimately ending with my uncertainty as to whether or not I am all that I claim to be.
After some conversations with people I trust over the past couple of days, and some studying and meditation on the works of Chambers and Lewis this morning, I've found that my faith issues are subdivided into two general issues. One is that I still sin. The other is that I still suffer. In some senses this is causal: I suffer, and I use that as an excuse to pardon my sins. And both of these things together make me question what's different about my life now than it was before I gave it to Christ.
Could it be this simple? That my personal shortcomings and tragedies are what cause my faith to crumble? Am I truly that naïve?
The sad reality of mortal life is that it isn't perfect. Our actions are laced with unloving selfishness that disregards the outcomes and effects on other people. This is both a cause and an effect of the injustice that is inherent in our fallen world. And although as Christians we're called to something greater, to be pure and virtuous and to love like Christ loves, it is acknowledged that we will fail. There will be more sin. There will be more suffering.
And yet, as a further injustice, we are forgiven for all of this.
The acceptance of that grace, then, is the part that I seem to be struggling with. I hate when I lose my temper or slip back into my sinful habits. This backsliding makes me question my legitimacy, and truly, my salvation. I see my poor actions and then contrast them against the lifestyles of other Christians, telling myself that I've failed again, and that I'll never truly change. That line of thought feeds my depression and makes me wish death upon myself.
Contributing to this is the lie that the life of a Christian is always happy. I don't know where I've gotten this ingrained, but it too has had its negative effects. My life since following Christ has been anything but a bed of roses. For some reason I'd inwardly hoped that things would go well for me as a result, but that just isn't the case. And there isn't any reason to think that it would be. Bad things happen to everyone. Again, that's a condition of the world we live in.
Christian faith isn't some magic spell or mantra to breed perfect people or cure all the world's suffering. It's the belief in a God that loves us regardless of our imperfections and redeems us from them. It's the ability to love others in the same way, because that's the grace that's shown to us. It's the true hope of better things to come.
God, help me to be faithful to You. Help me to trust You with my life, enough to lay it down at Your feet for You to do with as You will. I am Yours. Help me to always remember that.
After some conversations with people I trust over the past couple of days, and some studying and meditation on the works of Chambers and Lewis this morning, I've found that my faith issues are subdivided into two general issues. One is that I still sin. The other is that I still suffer. In some senses this is causal: I suffer, and I use that as an excuse to pardon my sins. And both of these things together make me question what's different about my life now than it was before I gave it to Christ.
Could it be this simple? That my personal shortcomings and tragedies are what cause my faith to crumble? Am I truly that naïve?
The sad reality of mortal life is that it isn't perfect. Our actions are laced with unloving selfishness that disregards the outcomes and effects on other people. This is both a cause and an effect of the injustice that is inherent in our fallen world. And although as Christians we're called to something greater, to be pure and virtuous and to love like Christ loves, it is acknowledged that we will fail. There will be more sin. There will be more suffering.
And yet, as a further injustice, we are forgiven for all of this.
The acceptance of that grace, then, is the part that I seem to be struggling with. I hate when I lose my temper or slip back into my sinful habits. This backsliding makes me question my legitimacy, and truly, my salvation. I see my poor actions and then contrast them against the lifestyles of other Christians, telling myself that I've failed again, and that I'll never truly change. That line of thought feeds my depression and makes me wish death upon myself.
Contributing to this is the lie that the life of a Christian is always happy. I don't know where I've gotten this ingrained, but it too has had its negative effects. My life since following Christ has been anything but a bed of roses. For some reason I'd inwardly hoped that things would go well for me as a result, but that just isn't the case. And there isn't any reason to think that it would be. Bad things happen to everyone. Again, that's a condition of the world we live in.
Christian faith isn't some magic spell or mantra to breed perfect people or cure all the world's suffering. It's the belief in a God that loves us regardless of our imperfections and redeems us from them. It's the ability to love others in the same way, because that's the grace that's shown to us. It's the true hope of better things to come.
God, help me to be faithful to You. Help me to trust You with my life, enough to lay it down at Your feet for You to do with as You will. I am Yours. Help me to always remember that.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Providence
It's easy for me to forget that God is all-powerful. Well, not the fact, so much as all that it entails. It's easy to forget that He sometimes allows, and other times ordains things to happen the way that they do. Whichever the case, as He is both omnipotent and omniscient, nothing happens without His permission. And yet I still forget.
With that in mind, it's also easy to dismiss things as chance or coincidence. Now, let me just say that for a long time now I haven't believed in either. There aren't actually any odds, nor chance or luck involved in anything. They're only a justification most people give themselves as an explanation for things happening when they don't know all the variables. Since there are thousands, perhaps millions of unknown variables in every real-life situation, things like chance are used to account for a lot.
It's fine, really, that we don't know all the variables. We're not meant to, and our minds likely couldn't comprehend the magnitude if we did. But attributing things to odds, luck, chance, coincidence, or anything in that general vein is simply illogical. And that's just from a non-spiritual, non-Biblical perspective.
On the other hand, being both all-knowing and all-powerful, God not only understands each minute inner working of the universe (let that sink in for a moment) since He's the one that handcrafted it, but He's also able to freely interact with it according to His will (in fact, I have had personally instructive instances that were far too specific and well-timed to be coincidence). And although our free will often causes our paths to diverge from those of God's will, He uses all of it to His purpose, creating a testimony to be shared with others. Therefore, no one is beyond hope. No one is out of His reach.
It should be reassuring to know all this. That's the mindset I'm trying to develop, of being comforted by my belief and faith in Him. Easy to say, but practicality is a far cry from being simple. Suffice it to say that my trust in Him has yet a lot of room to mature (as if this blog itself wasn't a testament to that fact).
What I can say is a comfort even now is that He remains endlessly merciful, He actually wants a relationship with me, and He still pursues me, even though I fail constantly. It's times like that I'm trying to remember that it can't be on my strength that I rely, but on His providence.
With that in mind, it's also easy to dismiss things as chance or coincidence. Now, let me just say that for a long time now I haven't believed in either. There aren't actually any odds, nor chance or luck involved in anything. They're only a justification most people give themselves as an explanation for things happening when they don't know all the variables. Since there are thousands, perhaps millions of unknown variables in every real-life situation, things like chance are used to account for a lot.
It's fine, really, that we don't know all the variables. We're not meant to, and our minds likely couldn't comprehend the magnitude if we did. But attributing things to odds, luck, chance, coincidence, or anything in that general vein is simply illogical. And that's just from a non-spiritual, non-Biblical perspective.
On the other hand, being both all-knowing and all-powerful, God not only understands each minute inner working of the universe (let that sink in for a moment) since He's the one that handcrafted it, but He's also able to freely interact with it according to His will (in fact, I have had personally instructive instances that were far too specific and well-timed to be coincidence). And although our free will often causes our paths to diverge from those of God's will, He uses all of it to His purpose, creating a testimony to be shared with others. Therefore, no one is beyond hope. No one is out of His reach.
It should be reassuring to know all this. That's the mindset I'm trying to develop, of being comforted by my belief and faith in Him. Easy to say, but practicality is a far cry from being simple. Suffice it to say that my trust in Him has yet a lot of room to mature (as if this blog itself wasn't a testament to that fact).
What I can say is a comfort even now is that He remains endlessly merciful, He actually wants a relationship with me, and He still pursues me, even though I fail constantly. It's times like that I'm trying to remember that it can't be on my strength that I rely, but on His providence.
Friday, June 19, 2015
Wait for an Answer
The past week has basically sucked, spiritually. My faith has been tested and found desperately wanting. And yet, this is still not the end. I guess you could say that the figurative wrecking ball that's been taken to my façade was a necessary thing. In other words, I'm disillusioned.
The downside of this, of course, is that I'm confused, and I question my legitimacy, as I've established in recent posts. But one thing that, in my right mind, I always have to admit is that God is there, and He knows and loves me, just like He knows and loves everyone else. Since that much is the case, I have to acknowledge that He also knows how to shine a light on all of my deceptions and reveal truth to me. Anything I experience while I seek Him is not only allowed, but perfectly orchestrated to draw me close to Him in a true relationship.
I have doubts and fears. I'm tempted to go astray. I don't know what to expect or how long this uneasy phase will last. But I can't turn away from my faith, and as such, I know and believe God won't abandon me. This is a storm; a test of my resolve as a follower of Christ. There isn't an end in sight for me, but I know I will have relief sooner or later. Once this crucible has purified and strengthened my faith, I have to believe that God will see me through it, one way or another.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Beyond Belief
Progress report, for those following.
I've figured out what it is that's missing (see paragraph 2), which links a formal Christian title to a reflecting Christian lifestyle. The fact is, despite what I believe and proclaim as a lifestyle, and truly a purpose for my own existence, what I'm lacking in my faith is an actual relationship with Father, Son, and Spirit.
This brings me to an important side note; one that I've considered for years, in fact. I used to take severe issue with Christianity being called a "religion," probably because it made it sound too contrived, regimented, and impersonal. To the core of me, even when I walked astray for all those years, I knew that Christian faith was more than just a bunch of rules and rituals. It's meant to be personal; a relationship. Calling it a religion doesn't even begin to do justice to what it was meant to be.
Since then I've learned to not take such offense, and at one point I even began calling it both, because the rules and rituals are important, to varying degrees. But within the past few months I've questioned even that stance. Because does a healthy relationship, as Christianity ought to be, not also have a fair presence of such things? I think it's meant to. Therefore, I stick to my initial position, that it shouldn't be a religion at all, but completely relational. And on that note, it does stand to reason that the following of laws and traditions is a gesture of love, more than one of obligation.
This is precisely where my problem begins. Without a relationship, what I have is merely a religion. As such, it's meaningless. Anyone can claim a creed and live by its morals. But without the all-important relational aspect, all that makes is a whitewashed tomb. All the claims and deeds are empty, and a person living such a lie is spiritually no better off than one who embraces a completely misguided life.
I'm still placing my hope in a revelation for development of a true relationship. I want to want Christ. I need, for the first time in my life, for my actions to not be for selfish gain.
I've figured out what it is that's missing (see paragraph 2), which links a formal Christian title to a reflecting Christian lifestyle. The fact is, despite what I believe and proclaim as a lifestyle, and truly a purpose for my own existence, what I'm lacking in my faith is an actual relationship with Father, Son, and Spirit.
This brings me to an important side note; one that I've considered for years, in fact. I used to take severe issue with Christianity being called a "religion," probably because it made it sound too contrived, regimented, and impersonal. To the core of me, even when I walked astray for all those years, I knew that Christian faith was more than just a bunch of rules and rituals. It's meant to be personal; a relationship. Calling it a religion doesn't even begin to do justice to what it was meant to be.
Since then I've learned to not take such offense, and at one point I even began calling it both, because the rules and rituals are important, to varying degrees. But within the past few months I've questioned even that stance. Because does a healthy relationship, as Christianity ought to be, not also have a fair presence of such things? I think it's meant to. Therefore, I stick to my initial position, that it shouldn't be a religion at all, but completely relational. And on that note, it does stand to reason that the following of laws and traditions is a gesture of love, more than one of obligation.
This is precisely where my problem begins. Without a relationship, what I have is merely a religion. As such, it's meaningless. Anyone can claim a creed and live by its morals. But without the all-important relational aspect, all that makes is a whitewashed tomb. All the claims and deeds are empty, and a person living such a lie is spiritually no better off than one who embraces a completely misguided life.
I'm still placing my hope in a revelation for development of a true relationship. I want to want Christ. I need, for the first time in my life, for my actions to not be for selfish gain.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
A New Beginning
It's been an interesting few days. Interesting, in this case, can be characterized by change, both conditional and spiritual. Of course, with these changes comes also a change of mindset, which I hope will finally set the stage for the radical internal overhaul that I've been needing for so long.
I have been a Christian in name, and my life has reflected that to some degree. And yet, neither of these things necessarily means anything, even together. There's a middle piece that's still missing. I'm still faithless and joyless, engulfed in the chaos of the world, and of my own sullied heart and mind. This mask I've worn has deceived many people, myself included, although some others have seen through it. Now that I'm facing the truth, it's frightening to realize the depth of my own deception.
However, there's something liberating about this mask being off. Like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. My self-deception told me that I had to act like a Christian in order to be a Christian, as a sort of cause and effect. The problem with that is that it attempts to earn the grace that God gives as a gift. That's not legitimate Christianity.
Now that I've faced this truth, I'm free to explore the grace I'm given. Obviously that doesn't mean returning to the more worldly lifestyle I cultivated before; there are changes I've made that I should keep. My point is that those changes don't indicate a change in my soul. God must work in me, and He only can if I allow Him to do so.
In the interest of keeping this real, I should admit that I still don't know exactly what that means or how to do it. How do you "allow" God to work in you? If only I had a thing I could physically do to ensure that this is happening. But I guess that's not faith.
Still praying for a revelation.
I have been a Christian in name, and my life has reflected that to some degree. And yet, neither of these things necessarily means anything, even together. There's a middle piece that's still missing. I'm still faithless and joyless, engulfed in the chaos of the world, and of my own sullied heart and mind. This mask I've worn has deceived many people, myself included, although some others have seen through it. Now that I'm facing the truth, it's frightening to realize the depth of my own deception.
However, there's something liberating about this mask being off. Like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. My self-deception told me that I had to act like a Christian in order to be a Christian, as a sort of cause and effect. The problem with that is that it attempts to earn the grace that God gives as a gift. That's not legitimate Christianity.
Now that I've faced this truth, I'm free to explore the grace I'm given. Obviously that doesn't mean returning to the more worldly lifestyle I cultivated before; there are changes I've made that I should keep. My point is that those changes don't indicate a change in my soul. God must work in me, and He only can if I allow Him to do so.
In the interest of keeping this real, I should admit that I still don't know exactly what that means or how to do it. How do you "allow" God to work in you? If only I had a thing I could physically do to ensure that this is happening. But I guess that's not faith.
Still praying for a revelation.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Breaking All Illusions
Or, the working title, "Falling Back to Earth, Part 2." So are you ready for the next dose of reality? Yeah, me neither.
Yesterday I established that I'm experiencing a faith crisis. At the time, to me, that meant I didn't know what God was looking for from me, and I was confused as to why He either wasn't listening to me, or He just wasn't answering. But something I should have been concerned about all along was whether or not it was simply me not listening to what He was saying.
The deeper reality of what I've been going through, not just recently, I've realized, but since the very beginning of my walk, is that I'm not entirely who I believe myself to be. I want to believe, and I want to accept. But in truth, my goals have been off, and I've been seeking for all the wrong reasons. The changes I've seen in my life since then have been legitimate, but again, if done for the wrong reasons, then what good are deeds?
There is an idol in my life. One for which I've based all of this change, when I needed to be doing it for God. Not only for God, but as a natural overflow of my relationship with Him. Instead, it has been the result of the guilt I feel when I do wrong. Knowing this, I'm left with a painful choice to make. I have to make certain that what I'm doing is for the right reasons, but I don't know if I can do that with this idol present.
Mind you, it's not a bad thing, this false god. Not in and of itself, anyway; not if I don't deify it. On the contrary, it was a gateway to the path I needed to walk. But until now, instead of walking that path, I've stood at this threshold, merely imagining that I was continuing onward. So can I actually press forward with this here, or do I have to excruciatingly remove it from my life in order to continue?
Several months ago, I actually took the first steps in the removal of this part of my life. However, soon after that it seemed like God was no longer telling me to make this change. Like the obedience in taking the first steps was all He wanted me to do, to prove to myself that I was faithful, first and foremost, to Him. Now I'm not so sure about that.
I'm begging Him to not make me do this; to reveal a different way to attain the same goal. So I'll ask my readers here to pray that I hear His answer, whether or not it's the one I'm afraid of.
Yesterday I established that I'm experiencing a faith crisis. At the time, to me, that meant I didn't know what God was looking for from me, and I was confused as to why He either wasn't listening to me, or He just wasn't answering. But something I should have been concerned about all along was whether or not it was simply me not listening to what He was saying.
The deeper reality of what I've been going through, not just recently, I've realized, but since the very beginning of my walk, is that I'm not entirely who I believe myself to be. I want to believe, and I want to accept. But in truth, my goals have been off, and I've been seeking for all the wrong reasons. The changes I've seen in my life since then have been legitimate, but again, if done for the wrong reasons, then what good are deeds?
There is an idol in my life. One for which I've based all of this change, when I needed to be doing it for God. Not only for God, but as a natural overflow of my relationship with Him. Instead, it has been the result of the guilt I feel when I do wrong. Knowing this, I'm left with a painful choice to make. I have to make certain that what I'm doing is for the right reasons, but I don't know if I can do that with this idol present.
Mind you, it's not a bad thing, this false god. Not in and of itself, anyway; not if I don't deify it. On the contrary, it was a gateway to the path I needed to walk. But until now, instead of walking that path, I've stood at this threshold, merely imagining that I was continuing onward. So can I actually press forward with this here, or do I have to excruciatingly remove it from my life in order to continue?
Several months ago, I actually took the first steps in the removal of this part of my life. However, soon after that it seemed like God was no longer telling me to make this change. Like the obedience in taking the first steps was all He wanted me to do, to prove to myself that I was faithful, first and foremost, to Him. Now I'm not so sure about that.
I'm begging Him to not make me do this; to reveal a different way to attain the same goal. So I'll ask my readers here to pray that I hear His answer, whether or not it's the one I'm afraid of.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Falling Back to Earth
I hate to admit this, but in the interest of growing and overcoming a problem, I feel like coming to terms with it is the first step in finding a solution. That's the twelve-step stance, anyway, isn't it? So here we go.
I am in a state of faith crisis. I'm here because I look around at other Christians, and they make it look so easy. So easy to believe that God is there, listening, answering, and providing what's best for us. So easy to take a genuine interest in faith and theology. They make it look like it's their entire life, there's nothing secular or sinful about them, and their faith is never jeopardized.
In sharp contrast, since I decided to start actively following Christ nearly two years ago, I've been met with almost nothing but opposition. My faith is tested, threatened, and leveled. It's difficult to believe that God wants what's best for me when the most significant events in my spiritual life involve all of my dreams being crushed and my hopes for a better life withering daily. I hate myself for being so bitter, but I don't know what more He wants from me. I have done what I've believed He's asked me to do, and yet the only changes of any significance have been bad news. My heart's desires remain unfulfilled, and I'm left constantly questioning my own legitimacy. Thousands of formless questions pass through my mind, and all of my energy is spent trying to figure out what it is I'm even trying to ask. But they all seem to lead back to the same basic question: What am I still doing wrong?
You may say that the life of a Christian isn't meant to be an easy one. That adversity is a sign that I'm doing something right, and that I just have to forge onward and wait for the storm to break. But what if I break first? Don't others have at least something of some significance going right for them every now and then? A dream fulfilled, to restore their hope?
I am lost. I don't have a bearing or know what I should be doing. Everything I do seems like a mistake, and everything I learn seems ultimately irrelevant. I wander, searching for answers, asking God for the wisdom He promises. And yet, I am still a fool. There seems to be some basic principle that every Christian understands, which I am simply missing. This search has left me demoralized and exhausted, and I don't know how much longer I can continue. I am begging God for mercy, and yet there is no oasis in this desert. I wonder if my prayers are even prayers at all.
I apologize for the apparent negativity of this post. With my previous one, I'd hoped they would be of a happier note, at least for the most part. But this must be addressed. I can't keep faking my spiritual life. If you're reading this, I wholeheartedly ask you to pray for me. An answer from God is the only thing that will fix this.
I am in a state of faith crisis. I'm here because I look around at other Christians, and they make it look so easy. So easy to believe that God is there, listening, answering, and providing what's best for us. So easy to take a genuine interest in faith and theology. They make it look like it's their entire life, there's nothing secular or sinful about them, and their faith is never jeopardized.
In sharp contrast, since I decided to start actively following Christ nearly two years ago, I've been met with almost nothing but opposition. My faith is tested, threatened, and leveled. It's difficult to believe that God wants what's best for me when the most significant events in my spiritual life involve all of my dreams being crushed and my hopes for a better life withering daily. I hate myself for being so bitter, but I don't know what more He wants from me. I have done what I've believed He's asked me to do, and yet the only changes of any significance have been bad news. My heart's desires remain unfulfilled, and I'm left constantly questioning my own legitimacy. Thousands of formless questions pass through my mind, and all of my energy is spent trying to figure out what it is I'm even trying to ask. But they all seem to lead back to the same basic question: What am I still doing wrong?
You may say that the life of a Christian isn't meant to be an easy one. That adversity is a sign that I'm doing something right, and that I just have to forge onward and wait for the storm to break. But what if I break first? Don't others have at least something of some significance going right for them every now and then? A dream fulfilled, to restore their hope?
I am lost. I don't have a bearing or know what I should be doing. Everything I do seems like a mistake, and everything I learn seems ultimately irrelevant. I wander, searching for answers, asking God for the wisdom He promises. And yet, I am still a fool. There seems to be some basic principle that every Christian understands, which I am simply missing. This search has left me demoralized and exhausted, and I don't know how much longer I can continue. I am begging God for mercy, and yet there is no oasis in this desert. I wonder if my prayers are even prayers at all.
I apologize for the apparent negativity of this post. With my previous one, I'd hoped they would be of a happier note, at least for the most part. But this must be addressed. I can't keep faking my spiritual life. If you're reading this, I wholeheartedly ask you to pray for me. An answer from God is the only thing that will fix this.
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