This Pain

There has been a good while of legitimate peace and joy in my life lately; genuine contentment with many things, and confidence in the improving conditions of others. When that's my condition, it's easy to quickly forget what suffering feels like.

It's always a shock, coming down from an emotional and spiritual high. Especially when you don't fully understand the reason. Just a sudden pang of hopelessness that takes root in an irrational perceived futility in everything good and encouraging that has happened. It's like I suddenly, as if for the first time, realized that the positive changes I've made in my life are actually meaningless, because my efforts alone are worthless.

It's then that I'm forced to question my reasons behind making the changes in the first place. Did I do these things for God's glory? Or did I only selfishly seek the rewards I believed would follow when the changes were made? Can my selfish heart really ever change, or will my eyes always be blinded by superficialities to what is truly beautiful?

Today I accepted the weight and responsibility of my role. I recognized why this loneliness is always looming. My heart is that of a protector. It's within my nature to take care and shepherd those I consider my own. By the very nature of it, this devotion is a lonely one. It demands that I make sacrifices of my own comfort and kinship, in the interest of making sure that those I love are kept safe and happy. And while this might superficially seem like a nice gesture, I feel like the profundity of the responsibility and sacrifice go largely unnoticed.

So why does that depress me?

The answer is pretty simple: I am selfish. I pridefully want others to notice what I am doing for them and be grateful. I want them to care for me the way I care for them. Yet, no matter what I do, it's never enough. No words, attitudes, mannerisms, or actions on my part can make anyone love me. Hence, feelings of friendship and affection seem completely arbitrary. That means I could do everything right and still lose.

But is God pleased with me? That should be my primary concern, shouldn't it? But why would He be pleased with me if my aims are all for selfish, worldly gain? I blaspheme Him every day through my filthy, white-washed, faux-righteous behaviors. Even the thought of it disgusts me. To the very core of me, I am a monster. So I beg Him for the forgiveness I so don't deserve, and He gives it relentlessly. I should be humbled, but in truth I mostly just feel ashamed.

This post is an incoherent mess, and it probably doesn't make any damn sense. Such is the nature of emotions.