Bilateral

I know I've been posting a lot about progression and regression in growth in my life. Sorry that I'm not really sorry. After all, it is kind of an essential subject in the life of pretty much anyone, and as such, it's bound to be a major theme in this deeply introspective account of growing in faith and maturity. Redundancy ought to stress the importance of the matter.

Anyway, one thing I've noticed about my actions has been a vacillation between what I'll simplify as "good" and "bad" behaviors. Most of the time there doesn't seem to be much of a middle ground. I have what seem like bipolar mood swings, so to speak, of whether I'm living a Godly life or a worldly life. I won't go into the questions that are raised in my mind about the implications of the latter instances, regarding my faith, belief, and salvation. That's another post, for another time.

What I will describe is the frustration accompanying these tendencies. It's progress, but it's always so difficult to see, with all these unnerving, seemingly uncontrollable instances of backslide. In fact, it's often the case that, even in the heat of a negative moment, I am aware of the problem, but I'm unable to discern the cause, so I can't find a solution. And simply not behaving a certain way, for some reason, just doesn't work. Losing your temper, for instance, happens just like that. You lose it on accident. It's like spilling something and making a mess. Frustrating for everyone involved, especially the one who caused it.

I guess a better analogy would be wetting the bed. This is something most adults don't have to deal with anymore, because we outgrew it when we were young children. But recall, if you will, the frustration you may have experienced after such an accident. You'd made such great progress, but along came this one incident that broke it all. Then it's back to square one. Not really, but that's what it feels like.

Emotional and spiritual maturity work the same way. You go for a while, you seem to be doing well, and then you stumble. That's discouraging, even amid all the progress. More so though, because not everyone experiences the same trials, so not everyone understands the struggle. To some, it is a simple question not doing something, because they never had to deal with it in the first place. This adds a factor of solitude, which makes any difficult task even more so.

What I have to constantly remind myself is that growing and maturing do take time and effort, and they will always be marked with failure along the way. The real trick is internalizing those reminders in my darker moments.