Derelict

I've been considering the condition of my life again lately. I know, I know. Introspection is unhealthy for me. But it's kinda hard not to at this point. When things flatline at mediocre most of the time, and the only other landscape seems to be an assortment of valleys, it's hard to not wonder what it is that's causing it.

So at this point, I ask the obligatory question: what gives? Over the past year, I've stretched and strived for things in ways I hadn't in years. My patience and endurance have been tested on multiple instances, and for a range of time spans, many overlapping with one another. I've made mistakes and paid dearly for them, but learned from them as well. And at times I've done everything I could have done right, and still paid dearly for the actions of others.

So once again, it seems like my decisions have little to no impact on any given outcome. My positive, productive actions go unnoticed or are ineffective most of the time, while my lethargic inactions and mistakes stick out like hangnails and tend to have devastating consequences. My opinions are largely either unheard or disregarded, and so I've returned to questioning why I bother giving them voice.

What am I still doing wrong? I have worked so hard at turning my life toward the joyful, the productive, the good, yet it feels like the majority of that effort has been squandered. My circumstances in life go unchanged, despite valiant efforts to alter them. I can still acknowledge that, given where my life has been and the direction it traveled for so long, it will take time and effort to fix it, but when can I hope for that? Shouldn't I have seen some fruits of my labor by now?

And I know, from a Biblical standpoint, I shouldn't be concerned about the success of the wicked, and why I'm not flourishing when they are. But what about for the righteous? Not to compare myself and my situation to those of other people too much, but if other people are thriving and I'm not, to me that says something about my decisions. Specifically, that I'm doing something wrong.

What I need is for someone to look into my life and tell me what I need to change, and perhaps to help me change it. I need guidance from someone who knows what is right, but who also knows me and my circumstances. I need a mentor.