Rope Ends

I've been caught in a dark, despairing place lately. Now, you could probably read this blog from beginning to end and tell me I've almost always been there, but even in my darkest moments, there's usually some kind of comfort or hope for a way out. But right now it seems like I'm actually at the end of my rope.

The frustrating thing about my situation is how innocuous it probably looks to anyone else. The things that compose my problems are, of themselves, far from life-shattering. They're inconvenient, heartbreaking, and constantly disappointing, but in the long run, no one dies from them. But I think the frequency, spread, and apparent permanency of these problems give an overall tinge of bleak hopelessness to my life. So it's not that any of it is going to kill me, but what it does is drain me of a desire to live.

To an extent, all of this has actually had a positive impact. I've been reaching out more lately, turning to Christ and trying to hand my pain over to Him. I've sought counsel from several people who are wiser than I am, and I've established myself in a couple of church-related groups for community. At times I've even felt inspired to flourish in my own ministry.

I know all of this must be at least part of the purpose to my suffering, to inspire a closer connection to God and the church, and to better use the gifts I've been given. But lately I feel completely oppressed, often to the point of paralysis. When everything I try seems to be met with dismal failure, I'm left only asking God what I'm still doing wrong. And I know that not every bad occurrence in life is a result of a poor decision, but the thought that my past mistakes are the cause of my present sufferings constantly lingers in my mind. Internally, I'm still trying to justify and give a definite earthly purpose to everything that's going wrong.

I'd be lying if I said that no negatively extreme solutions have entered my mind. I've had passing thoughts of simply walking away from God, and either suicide or at least letting myself die. I'll tell any readers right now: passing thoughts is all they are, and so they're not anything I'm actually considering. But in the interest of keeping this blog full-disclosure, it'd be remiss of me to not mention it.

I don't know what to do. I'm told God just wants me to completely trust Him. I know that, and for what it's worth, I'm trying. But it's amazing how difficult it is to simply trust when I don't understand His ways, and His love for me is completely unlike anything I'd imagined it to be, or how it appears to be for other people.