Rage of Despair

I've been working through resolving a lot of my uncomfortable emotions lately. My recent life choices have been difficult, and they've left a lot of deep wounds. It seems only natural that those hurts would manifest themselves as anger. From the beginning, I knew that what I was feeling wasn't actually that. But I couldn't exactly put my finger on why, so I've allowed myself to seethe for a little while as I've attempted to process what it is I've been going through.

One of the obvious questions I've had to ask myself has been at what I've actually been angry; in other words, where that anger should be focused. There are a few factors, several of which are people, that are tied into my present sufferings. But as I ran down a mental list (with the guidance of wise counsel), it became clear that these were things on which I had no right to focus any anger, especially the people in question. Certainly, things could have been handled differently by everyone involved (myself included), but nothing resulting from anyone's actions merited actually being angry.

From this it's become clear that anger isn't the appropriate response. So while I was irrationally, unjustly angry, it's my responsibility to process that emotion; to try to understand the myriad of pieces that compose it. What I've realized is that what looked at first like simple rage was actually more a combination of sadness, hurt, frustration, hopelessness, and a general sense of self-inadequacy.

The practical distinction between all of these and the anger they resemble is that they're either internal struggles which must be dealt with between myself and God, or they're scalar in nature and therefore can't be focused negatively on anything at all. In effect, what this does is allow me to grieve my sense of loss in a healthy way and work on my own development, both without placing the blame for my hurts on other people. It empowers me, and it therefore gives me a responsibility to myself.

I thought, at first, that there would certainly be forgiveness, eventually, for the hurts I've suffered. I now realize that there can be no forgiveness, because there are no wrongs to forgive. The other people involved, no matter in what way, have nothing for which to be sorry.

This is a step in my personal growth, as well as in my faith. God is taking this suffering and using it to reveal the ways in which I can grow closer to Him.