To anyone who follows this blog or knows me at any depth, there are probably certain things about me that indicate less than a wholehearted reckless abandon for Christ. It's characteristic of the walk I've had. I believe, I accept, and I profess, but when it comes to actually living my faith, I seem to always come up short.
It's not necessarily through my actions or inactions that this is made apparent, so much as the underlying attitude that I have. It's one that I've maintained, even though my moods have been generally better and still improving in recent months. There's something in my attitudes that's intangible, almost like an aura, that suggests that something is amiss; perhaps even that I'm still putting on a show.
I can't confirm this firsthand, but that seems like a fairly normal thing for someone who has claimed to start following Christ, but hasn't really had to change anything about his lifestyle. To make a turnaround like my life has needed, something must be placed before God as a sacrifice. That something is necessarily the thing (or things) I worshiped prior to my acceptance of Christ as Lord. Because no one can serve two masters.
Until recently, I'd assumed I'd done that. Recalling the story of the Rich Young Ruler, Jesus told him to sell all of his possessions and give the proceeds to the poor. Until he did that, he would not know salvation.
I knew all along that God was not telling me to do exactly that. But I think somewhere in my mind I'd convinced myself that going to church, studying my Bible, doing daily devotionals, getting connected to church groups, and trying to live an outwardly more godly life, were the things that God was commanding me to do. And that was an easy commitment to make. And while I still did other things (work, school, video games, TV, etc.), those things didn't rule my life and dominate my every thought. Furthermore, I'd assumed that I was doing those things worshipfully, which is also what God wants (more precisely, for everything to be done that way).
What I've come to realize is that the possessions, daily tasks, and other mundane things were not what made me a "rich young ruler." They occupied my time out of necessity, but I never truly bowed my life to them. That is to say, I knew they weren't idols to me, and I knew what it was I truly worshiped, but I only recently realized that I'd never given that false god up for Christ.
It saddens me that it takes the forcing of God's hand to finally, physically remove the icons from my life; that I lacked the strength and wisdom to banish them myself. On that note, however, I'm glad He's done it. Now I know the confusion can stop, and with it, so will this spiritual oppression and unrest.
i know you speak of specific things here, but this is something i've noticed of my own life:
ReplyDeletei'll think i'm giving up "the thing"--"the idol" or "the sin" or whatever. and then i find another one in my life, or a new rendition of the same one, and realize i was wrong, and that i've really been living the way i shouldn't all along. super discouraging, right?
but the thing is that i grow each time. even though it seems like i keep retreading the same path, each time i come away a little wiser, or a little humbler, or a little more Christ-like.
even though it might seem like living an outwardly more godly life was too small of a commitment, the point is that it was a commitment. now that you're here, you can go deeper, and God can now show you ways to change (or make the changes himself) that are closer to the heart level. because now you're ready to make those kinds of changes. you're already made holy--now it's just a matter of growth. if anything, this post speaks of growth to me, whether you see it from your perspective or not. not all at once--does anything complete its growth all at once?--but one step at a time.