Healing Now

Moving forward after something painful is difficult. This I've always known. But I'm only now beginning to realize just how difficult it can be when I have any real say in the painful scenario's outcome.

Several days ago, I terminated a friendship with one of my best friends, because I suddenly realized how toxic it had become. This action flew in the face of nearly everything I'd stood for previously, even though the decision was on my doorstep for a long time. I fought it and then found justifications for fighting it, all the while ignoring external advice and inner goading, reading both as graceless and flawed.

Since my decision, I've been in a state of freefall. I immediately fell to my knees and asked God what I'd just done. Over the following few days, I began questioning the things I'd believed about myself. This would surely be a true test of faith; a trial by which my path would be chosen for years to come.

Having now put myself into a state of life crisis, nearly every moment has been a struggle. Work has kept me busy, but I've noticed the tension builds up quickly there, making me more prone to short temper. Idle pastimes have occupied my mind at home, which is somewhat more effective, until I'm done, at which point I realize I'm exactly where I left off and I've wasted several hours. It's only been a couple of occasions that I've done healthy, sabbatical, social activities, which have been the beginnings of healing.

As I think back on which of my actions have promoted health and reflected maturity, it's clear that the opposing actions have been directly rebellious against God. And it's only putting it in that light that reveals how silly such actions are. What am I doing? "Disciplining" Him? I'm a child punishing his parent for putting him in time out.

The destructive cycle in which I've been locked needs to stop. Tuning out the pain is completely nonproductive; it's effectively only a bandage for an infected wound. Without godly counsel, genuine friendship, and perhaps ministry, I won't heal properly. I've been on a path I've taken too many times in the past, thus further perpetuating my stunted growth.