Out of the Ashes

Every now and then lately I've been thinking about my progress. A lot has happened since my journey began. But I have to say, the most remarkable things have been within the past couple of months. Mind you, the condition of my life is basically the same. But I feel like my outlook on a lot of things has changed for the better.

It's good to know that God is faithful. I admit, for a while I doubted, when I would do all I could to make positive changes in my life and the condition would remain. But time, activity, wise counsel, medication, and even some divine inspiration, while in fact not changing said conditions, have instead trued my outlook, which is far better.

While I look back, it becomes more and more apparent that none of this would have been possible without the pain and suffering that accompanied me along the way. And I would often ask God why He would allow me to suffer so much, now that I am following Him. Truth be told, I wouldn't have believed or understood if He had told me outright. Some things just have to be taught by trial.

A prime case in point: one of my greatest concerns about myself was what I perceived to be a lack of empathy. I wondered why I couldn't legitimately care about other people, as I always seemed to have some kind of selfish motive behind my feelings. I was aware of this, and that awareness contributed to my depression, because I couldn't change that, no matter how hard I tried. What I didn't realize was that God had been working with this all along. And He still is.

I think that God likes to show us His love in a variety of ways. Each way speaks to us in its own respect, and I think many are hard to perceive as what they are. When we think of God loving us, I think the most common conception of that is when He lavishes obvious blessings on us, like healing and success. Harder to see as loving treatment are things like trial and discipline; things that are uncomfortable at best, but that are often agonizing. It's our nature to experience these things and think that God is punishing us, or that He has turned away from us. The thing to realize, though, is that those are disguised blessings, helping to shape and temper us. To equip and prepare us for what God has planned for our lives.

Back to my example, my own pain and suffering, I think, somehow made me more aware of that of those around me. It was like God was telling me not only that everyone suffers in their own way, but also that He loves all of them too, even the ones that I don't like. I don't have a worldly explanation, because through my own best efforts, I couldn't truly feel for others, and while I didn't like the fact that I hated people, I did. But a reality of which I only just became aware is that somehow I do actually care for them now, whereas I didn't before. I can only assert that it is God that has softened my cold, callous heart through the trials He has allowed me to face. The truly wonderful thing is that I'm even beginning to feel that way toward people I've considered to be enemies.

Only God can soften us in such a way.

I think all this goes to show that it sometimes takes a broken heart to truly have a heart for the broken. It's a painful and uncomfortable process, but one that I believe is well worth the suffering.