Resistor

A lot of things lately have been pointing to my low self-image as a problem that needs to be fixed. It seems like every day I'm reminded of one of my personal traits that I don't particularly like to see in myself.

I suppose this awareness started with my study of temperaments, specifically my own. Upon learning that I'm melancholy and phlegmatic (neither of which is the least bit surprising), I was partly amused at the utter accuracy, but more distraught that my tendencies are hard-wired, and certain things that I admire in others will never come naturally to me. Instead, I have traits that are somehow admired by others, but which I feel like I'll never see as being of any worth.

I acknowledge the necessity of these traits. Things like deep thoughts are necessary, and the peacemaker is an important role in conflict resolution. But I've asked God several times why He chose me to be this way. I see the admirable qualities of family and friends, and I wish I was more like them.

I know that isn't right. I know that God created me this way with a deliberate purpose, and that my dissatisfaction with it is sinful. Furthermore, I've been told by many people, especially recently, that they admire the qualities in me that are inherent in mel-phlegs. I've learned to thank them, but my gratitude is hardly genuine. In truth, I would rather see those qualities in someone else.

I don't like my excess of emotions, deeply introspective tendencies, and obsession with principles, because they combine and put me into a depressive state. I don't like being a perfectionist, because half of me is too neutral to self-motivate. I don't like not being opinionated, because it makes me feel like I don't even have a personality at all. I don't like being completely introverted, because I feel like I'm below most people's notice, and if I were to leave their lives, they'd barely even notice I was gone.

How much of this is just raw material that needs to be refined by pursuit of Christ? Will I be more satisfied with them once they're developed into something more Christ-like? I know the qualities are good and necessary. But I feel like I don't exhibit them well enough to be at the expense of the great things I see in others. I can only hope that when my life is properly focused, I will be able to see some of the reasons I was created the way that I was, and then acknowledge my own worth.