Providence

It's easy for me to forget that God is all-powerful. Well, not the fact, so much as all that it entails. It's easy to forget that He sometimes allows, and other times ordains things to happen the way that they do. Whichever the case, as He is both omnipotent and omniscient, nothing happens without His permission. And yet I still forget.

With that in mind, it's also easy to dismiss things as chance or coincidence. Now, let me just say that for a long time now I haven't believed in either. There aren't actually any odds, nor chance or luck involved in anything. They're only a justification most people give themselves as an explanation for things happening when they don't know all the variables. Since there are thousands, perhaps millions of unknown variables in every real-life situation, things like chance are used to account for a lot.

It's fine, really, that we don't know all the variables. We're not meant to, and our minds likely couldn't comprehend the magnitude if we did. But attributing things to odds, luck, chance, coincidence, or anything in that general vein is simply illogical. And that's just from a non-spiritual, non-Biblical perspective.

On the other hand, being both all-knowing and all-powerful, God not only understands each minute inner working of the universe (let that sink in for a moment) since He's the one that handcrafted it, but He's also able to freely interact with it according to His will (in fact, I have had personally instructive instances that were far too specific and well-timed to be coincidence). And although our free will often causes our paths to diverge from those of God's will, He uses all of it to His purpose, creating a testimony to be shared with others. Therefore, no one is beyond hope. No one is out of His reach.

It should be reassuring to know all this. That's the mindset I'm trying to develop, of being comforted by my belief and faith in Him. Easy to say, but practicality is a far cry from being simple. Suffice it to say that my trust in Him has yet a lot of room to mature (as if this blog itself wasn't a testament to that fact).

What I can say is a comfort even now is that He remains endlessly merciful, He actually wants a relationship with me, and He still pursues me, even though I fail constantly. It's times like that I'm trying to remember that it can't be on my strength that I rely, but on His providence.

Wait for an Answer

The past week has basically sucked, spiritually. My faith has been tested and found desperately wanting. And yet, this is still not the end. I guess you could say that the figurative wrecking ball that's been taken to my façade was a necessary thing. In other words, I'm disillusioned.

The downside of this, of course, is that I'm confused, and I question my legitimacy, as I've established in recent posts. But one thing that, in my right mind, I always have to admit is that God is there, and He knows and loves me, just like He knows and loves everyone else. Since that much is the case, I have to acknowledge that He also knows how to shine a light on all of my deceptions and reveal truth to me. Anything I experience while I seek Him is not only allowed, but perfectly orchestrated to draw me close to Him in a true relationship.

I have doubts and fears. I'm tempted to go astray. I don't know what to expect or how long this uneasy phase will last. But I can't turn away from my faith, and as such, I know and believe God won't abandon me. This is a storm; a test of my resolve as a follower of Christ. There isn't an end in sight for me, but I know I will have relief sooner or later. Once this crucible has purified and strengthened my faith, I have to believe that God will see me through it, one way or another.

Still I wait.

Beyond Belief

Progress report, for those following.

I've figured out what it is that's missing (see paragraph 2), which links a formal Christian title to a reflecting Christian lifestyle. The fact is, despite what I believe and proclaim as a lifestyle, and truly a purpose for my own existence, what I'm lacking in my faith is an actual relationship with Father, Son, and Spirit.

This brings me to an important side note; one that I've considered for years, in fact. I used to take severe issue with Christianity being called a "religion," probably because it made it sound too contrived, regimented, and impersonal. To the core of me, even when I walked astray for all those years, I knew that Christian faith was more than just a bunch of rules and rituals. It's meant to be personal; a relationship. Calling it a religion doesn't even begin to do justice to what it was meant to be.

Since then I've learned to not take such offense, and at one point I even began calling it both, because the rules and rituals are important, to varying degrees. But within the past few months I've questioned even that stance. Because does a healthy relationship, as Christianity ought to be, not also have a fair presence of such things? I think it's meant to. Therefore, I stick to my initial position, that it shouldn't be a religion at all, but completely relational. And on that note, it does stand to reason that the following of laws and traditions is a gesture of love, more than one of obligation.

This is precisely where my problem begins. Without a relationship, what I have is merely a religion. As such, it's meaningless. Anyone can claim a creed and live by its morals. But without the all-important relational aspect, all that makes is a whitewashed tomb. All the claims and deeds are empty, and a person living such a lie is spiritually no better off than one who embraces a completely misguided life.

I'm still placing my hope in a revelation for development of a true relationship. I want to want Christ. I need, for the first time in my life, for my actions to not be for selfish gain.

A New Beginning

It's been an interesting few days. Interesting, in this case, can be characterized by change, both conditional and spiritual. Of course, with these changes comes also a change of mindset, which I hope will finally set the stage for the radical internal overhaul that I've been needing for so long.

I have been a Christian in name, and my life has reflected that to some degree. And yet, neither of these things necessarily means anything, even together. There's a middle piece that's still missing. I'm still faithless and joyless, engulfed in the chaos of the world, and of my own sullied heart and mind. This mask I've worn has deceived many people, myself included, although some others have seen through it. Now that I'm facing the truth, it's frightening to realize the depth of my own deception.

However, there's something liberating about this mask being off. Like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. My self-deception told me that I had to act like a Christian in order to be a Christian, as a sort of cause and effect. The problem with that is that it attempts to earn the grace that God gives as a gift. That's not legitimate Christianity.

Now that I've faced this truth, I'm free to explore the grace I'm given. Obviously that doesn't mean returning to the more worldly lifestyle I cultivated before; there are changes I've made that I should keep. My point is that those changes don't indicate a change in my soul. God must work in me, and He only can if I allow Him to do so.

In the interest of keeping this real, I should admit that I still don't know exactly what that means or how to do it. How do you "allow" God to work in you? If only I had a thing I could physically do to ensure that this is happening. But I guess that's not faith.

Still praying for a revelation.

Breaking All Illusions

Or, the working title, "Falling Back to Earth, Part 2." So are you ready for the next dose of reality? Yeah, me neither.

Yesterday I established that I'm experiencing a faith crisis. At the time, to me, that meant I didn't know what God was looking for from me, and I was confused as to why He either wasn't listening to me, or He just wasn't answering. But something I should have been concerned about all along was whether or not it was simply me not listening to what He was saying.

The deeper reality of what I've been going through, not just recently, I've realized, but since the very beginning of my walk, is that I'm not entirely who I believe myself to be. I want to believe, and I want to accept. But in truth, my goals have been off, and I've been seeking for all the wrong reasons. The changes I've seen in my life since then have been legitimate, but again, if done for the wrong reasons, then what good are deeds?

There is an idol in my life. One for which I've based all of this change, when I needed to be doing it for God. Not only for God, but as a natural overflow of my relationship with Him. Instead, it has been the result of the guilt I feel when I do wrong. Knowing this, I'm left with a painful choice to make. I have to make certain that what I'm doing is for the right reasons, but I don't know if I can do that with this idol present.

Mind you, it's not a bad thing, this false god. Not in and of itself, anyway; not if I don't deify it. On the contrary, it was a gateway to the path I needed to walk. But until now, instead of walking that path, I've stood at this threshold, merely imagining that I was continuing onward. So can I actually press forward with this here, or do I have to excruciatingly remove it from my life in order to continue?

Several months ago, I actually took the first steps in the removal of this part of my life. However, soon after that it seemed like God was no longer telling me to make this change. Like the obedience in taking the first steps was all He wanted me to do, to prove to myself that I was faithful, first and foremost, to Him. Now I'm not so sure about that.

I'm begging Him to not make me do this; to reveal a different way to attain the same goal. So I'll ask my readers here to pray that I hear His answer, whether or not it's the one I'm afraid of.

Falling Back to Earth

I hate to admit this, but in the interest of growing and overcoming a problem, I feel like coming to terms with it is the first step in finding a solution. That's the twelve-step stance, anyway, isn't it? So here we go.

I am in a state of faith crisis. I'm here because I look around at other Christians, and they make it look so easy. So easy to believe that God is there, listening, answering, and providing what's best for us. So easy to take a genuine interest in faith and theology. They make it look like it's their entire life, there's nothing secular or sinful about them, and their faith is never jeopardized.

In sharp contrast, since I decided to start actively following Christ nearly two years ago, I've been met with almost nothing but opposition. My faith is tested, threatened, and leveled. It's difficult to believe that God wants what's best for me when the most significant events in my spiritual life involve all of my dreams being crushed and my hopes for a better life withering daily. I hate myself for being so bitter, but I don't know what more He wants from me. I have done what I've believed He's asked me to do, and yet the only changes of any significance have been bad news. My heart's desires remain unfulfilled, and I'm left constantly questioning my own legitimacy. Thousands of formless questions pass through my mind, and all of my energy is spent trying to figure out what it is I'm even trying to ask. But they all seem to lead back to the same basic question: What am I still doing wrong?

You may say that the life of a Christian isn't meant to be an easy one. That adversity is a sign that I'm doing something right, and that I just have to forge onward and wait for the storm to break. But what if I break first? Don't others have at least something of some significance going right for them every now and then? A dream fulfilled, to restore their hope?

I am lost. I don't have a bearing or know what I should be doing. Everything I do seems like a mistake, and everything I learn seems ultimately irrelevant. I wander, searching for answers, asking God for the wisdom He promises. And yet, I am still a fool. There seems to be some basic principle that every Christian understands, which I am simply missing. This search has left me demoralized and exhausted, and I don't know how much longer I can continue. I am begging God for mercy, and yet there is no oasis in this desert. I wonder if my prayers are even prayers at all.

I apologize for the apparent negativity of this post. With my previous one, I'd hoped they would be of a happier note, at least for the most part. But this must be addressed. I can't keep faking my spiritual life. If you're reading this, I wholeheartedly ask you to pray for me. An answer from God is the only thing that will fix this.

Time to Grow

It's been a little while since I posted last. The reasons for that are that, number one, I've been busy, what with the school semester wrapping up. There hasn't been much time for nonessentials. However, second, and more importantly, I've noticed a definite negative trend in my last two or three posts. Such things don't help anything, and so my position was one of debate over whether or not to keep this blog going. For the time being, it get to stay. But I want it to reflect a more positive outlook.

Now, on point, this actually ties in a little bit.

With my last post I addressed an issue that is actually still of great concern for me—the ability of human beings to change. But our faith hinges on the belief in a redeemed life. Without that, there would be no hope. For anyone.

With my last post, I was clearly downtrodden, as I've been a lot lately. It's demoralizing to repeatedly make the same mistakes and slip back into the same sinful habits, all the while longing all the more for a godly life. Such things indicate double-mindedness, which I may or may not address in a different post.

I'm the sort of person to get demoralized easily. I criticize myself far more than anyone else does, and so my mistakes are blown out of proportion in my mind. This sets me on a downward spiral, from which circumstances of escape seem mostly arbitrary. That is to say, I can't get myself out of that plunge.

However, when I offer myself a little grace and cut myself some slack, I've noticed, just tonight actually, that things aren't as hopeless as they appear at first blush. (Surprise, surprise, right?) In fact, I'm much closer to my goal than I'd ever dare give myself credit for. The reason I know that ties in with things several people have said over the past few months about their observations of me.

The truth is, I recognize my shortcomings. I'd pretty much have to, with the unsafe amount of introspection in which I allow myself to indulge. Such behavior depresses me like nobody's business, yet it also gives me some clarity as far as what things about myself I need to fix. This, I think, is a revelation many people don't reach.

Now of course, seeing all of my shortcomings, either at face value or through my far-worse perception of them, is what puts me into a depressive state. The reason for that is because it seems hopeless with all the changes I need to make. I feel like I can never do it. And my frequent backslides only exacerbate things further, by making it look like I haven't even made any progress at all. But when I'm in my right mind, I'm able to look behind me and see the changes apparent in my life between now and even just a few months prior.

The plus side of having that deeply introspective tendency is that it does reveal my critical flaws. That's necessary if they're ever going to change. My analysis of those flaws, in turn, gives me a sort of blueprint—a checklist, almost: things I can/must still work on.

A conclusion I reached earlier this evening is that knowing these things, even though they bring me down, is better than knowing something is wrong, but not knowing what. Because with this blueprint, so to speak, I at least have something to work on. In a manner of speaking, I may not have the answers yet, but I do know the right questions to ask. And to me that seems like half the battle.