My thoughts have been irrational for the past couple of days. I could swear that I'm alone here, and that all my friends have abandoned me. But where normally it just seems like they don't understand my depressive tendencies and I'm difficult for them to relate to, lately it feels more directed and hostile.
As I look around at the people to whom I once felt so close, I can't help but feel isolated, even when I'm surrounded by friends. I see them interacting and enjoying the company and kinship of one another, I find myself wondering why I can't just be normal and part of the group. I've come to the jarring realization that I simply do not belong here. Where it began with what was just a failed romantic relationship, the end of which, by and large, forced me to believe that I am romantically unlovable, now this problem seems to have spread to my platonic friendships as well.
I know this is imagined. I know they don't mean me any harm, and that they truly just don't understand. I know, deep down, that this struggle is a lie I've internalized somehow, and that my unrelatability is what omits me from conversation and group activity, creating an absence of belonging. And I know, furthermore, who my real enemies are, and they're all internal monsters that have manifested and flourished over the years.
With all the things I know, I wish logic and reason were more effective solutions to emotional problems.
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