Maintain Consciousness

Lately I've had the most trouble getting motivated. School, work, church, social life, even hobbies. In fact, I think this problem has been building up, making it increasingly difficult to accomplish anything.

I've never been much good at motivating myself. Don't know why, I just have trouble committing myself to a task and seeing it through to the end. That's been my whole life, as far as I can remember. As a result, efforts have failed, opportunities have been missed, and potentials have remained untapped. It's not that I've lacked the ability to do anything. Just, when faced with actually doing it, I always lose interest or momentum.

Now it's different though. Intensified. Tasks as simple as cleaning up my apartment, washing the dishes, or going grocery shopping seem impossibly undesirable, and I simply cannot motivate myself to do them. For home life, that's an inconvenience. But when it comes to things like school and work, it's a hazard with huge potential for destruction.

I know the general time frame that this intensification of sloth began. Somewhere between two major car-related incidents that occurred earlier this year. But those are material issues, basically resolved. My debt has (I think) been settled, I have a car to drive, and I have accepted the loss of both previous vehicles. All said and done, they're just things. Moreover, those are things that don't directly have anything at all to do with motivation.

But there's something else about it that has damaged me on a deeper level. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but it definitely has more to do with the events themselves than the actual things involved. Like these occurrences have hurt me on a spiritual level.

I'm trying to analyze the feelings I've had about those events, in an effort to diagnose the problem and formulate a solution. But based on an even greater lack of motivation that's occurred within the past couple of days, there might be other things involved; things that might be unrelated to those events.