The past year has been difficult. Very difficult. Probably the hardest year of my life yet. It was shocking, looking back to the same time last year. Things seemed to be looking up for the first time in as long as I could remember. I was having an awesome time at an event I considered to be the highlight of my year. During that time, I was corresponding with a girl who would soon be my girlfriend, in my first Godly relationship, really ever. I had plans to go back to school and get my educational and career goals back on track. I was good at my job, and I felt secure there. Most importantly, I was rediscovering my faith. Things were beginning to make sense, after so many years of aimless drifting. For what now seems like one shining moment, things were beautiful.
It's terrifying, now that I look back, just how quickly and suddenly everything can come crashing down. As I now struggle in school and work. As I fight, probably in vain, for the relationship that ended before it was given a fair chance. As I clamor to hang on to all the things - necessities, conveniences, luxuries - that are slipping, heedless, through my clenching fists. As I try desperately to hang on to my fraying infant faith, by telling myself of trials put in place to strengthen it. As I feel, more and more frequently and profoundly, that I am facing this world of darkness and pain alone, despite countless verbal and evident reassurances to the contrary.
It's unimaginably difficult, trying to picture my life ever being whole and happy again. Now as I think back, I wonder in terror if my life ever was whole or happy. Do I even know what a truly joyful life looks like from the first person? Would I recognize it if I had it? It fills me with fear when I start to think that death is the only cure for this pain. I don't think these are thoughts a Christ-follower should experience, and it gets to my very core and makes me question if I am really who I claim to be.
Dear imagined readers, pray for me. Pray for clarity, and absent that, pray for my faith.
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