When All Is Lost

I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching over the past week or so. Truly, since I left some open-ended questions in my last post, I've been doing a lot of thinking since then, but certain revelations have hit particularly hard in recent days.

First I'll touch on a thought I've had numerous times over the years; one that I think is quintessential to my musings. You see, I've gone through several phases ("seasons," I guess, is the Christianese term) during which I've felt a veritable cascade of destruction in my life. These periods are characterized and identified by a measure of loss: a friendship, a romantic relationship, a career goal, a physical object, or another thing to which I've simply grown accustomed and attached. Usually it's a combination of those in quick succession.

Each time this has happened, I've felt as though my desire and interest in some of those things has dwindled, and in some cases disappeared almost entirely. More than once during such a time, I've made the observation that, of all the hopes and dreams I've had, there has only been one that has never truly weakened: the desire for a romantic relationship. It was always, "the one thing for which I still hoped for myself."

The phrasing of that is important. Specifically, "for myself." That is to say, a selfish desire. People might say that it's okay to have selfish wants. But throughout my walk, one thing that has always stuck in my mind is the fact that a Christian life must be centered, first and foremost, around glorifying God. It's simply the only right way to live. And the reality is, there's no room in that focus for selfishness.

Let me clarify. This doesn't mean that the Lord will never put a thing in our lives that we'll enjoy. What I think it does mean, however, is that if something is in danger of becoming an idol that we, as Christians, will effectively worship in place of Him, He will take that thing from us, one way or another. And whether we choose to accept and believe it or not, it is for our own good; our Father knows best.

Throughout this crucible, I've been repeatedly receiving a message to let these things go and place my trust in Him. Up to this point, I've never understood what I needed to do, but now I wonder if everything had to be leveled, because I was never able to fully rely on the Lord as long as there was so much here in which I trusted.

On that note, I believe God is in the process of demolishing that one, final, unstable pillar on which I've placed so much of my hope. That is to say, I can actually feel my desire for romantic partnership slipping away, and I just no longer have the strength to fight to maintain it. The Lord wants me to surrender it, and after struggling for so long, I am too tired to resist Him.

Although this may sound bleak, hopeless, and defeated, I'm actually kind of at peace with it.

This was never what I wanted, and I would be lying if I said I was explicitly happy about it right now, or even that I think I'll see any mortal reward. But He knows my heart better than I do, as He knows the hearts of all mankind. Although He may never give me the things I longed for, I truly do look forward to seeing what He does with the new creation He is making of me. I pray that I will not quench His Spirit, so that I can do and be everything He asks of me.