The Root of All Evil

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety for the past couple of days. A strong, disheartened feeling of futility. Like everything I've done counts for nothing. It makes me question the legitimacy of the changes I thought were being made in my life and within me.

Can we really change? I like to think we can. But somehow it seems like something is preventing me from changing and turning away from my evil, selfish nature. I see the joy in other people's lives, and the genuine love and care they have for others, and I long for it. I've said before that love must be completely selfless, and in light of that, I wonder if I even have the capacity to truly love anyone.

If you're reading this blog, it probably means you know me well enough for me to trust you with my innermost thoughts, because I'm pretty selective about to whom I give the link. Either that or you just happened to stumble across it, which happens sometimes too. But in the case of the former, I know you'll say something like, "That's not true. Your perspective of yourself is just off." But what if you're wrong? What if mine is the only verbalized perspective that's accurate?

Let me explain this: I am an extremely selfish person. To the point where I can justify my every "selfless" action with something that's in it for me, or is a calculated risk for the sake of possibly gaining something later. Basically, each action is either a purchase or an investment for personal gain. I'm cheerful about doing things when I can see those things that will or could benefit me. But once I can no longer see that potential, while I might still do things, inwardly I'm irritated, or even angry about it.

I hate this about myself. To me it's the absolute lowest form of evil there is.

I've always believed that all sin stems from selfishness. More important than an action in and of itself is the intention behind it. God knows the ways we each think, and He understands our motives infinitely better than even we do. And our actions alone are worthless to Him, because it's our faith that He values. Therefore, doing the right things for the wrong reasons is not only wrong, it's actually blasphemy.

I think people often don't think they're blaspheming if they're not using God's name as a bad word. But rest assured, doing something for personal gain and saying it's for God is every bit as wrong. It's the same as doing evil things and pasting God's name all over it.

To accept these ideas as fact, as I do, I necessarily convict myself of repeatedly and unabashedly committing sin. I pray wholeheartedly for God to change me into something that not only glorifies Him, as all things will in the end, but something that actually wants to.