The most destructive force in my life is myself. This is indisputable, and it always has been. But I've never really understood why that is. What is it about my behavior that is so self-destructive? My emotions leave me feeling powerless to change myself for the better, because so often they overwhelm me, drowning out any logic and objectivity, paralyzing me, often preventing me from even starting toward my goals, let alone attaining them. So often I feel like I need help from the outside. But the extent of my damage is too much. I don't think there's a soul alive that has the patience to put up with me and all of my pent up frustration, depression, and self-loathing.
Today confirmed that my greatest downfall is my defeatist attitude. It comes as no surprise, of course. It's basically what my parents have told me for my entire life. It affects my own mentality, as well as other people's perceptions of me, damaging both my relationships and my ability to succeed.
So now I'm left with a question. How do I change that? How do I develop a more optimistic outlook, while remaining realistic? How do I acknowledge this marred track record of failure and unexplained adversity, look in the mirror, and honestly tell myself that I can lead a joyful, successful life? How do I turn around two and a half decades of pessimism? How do I make myself believe something I've always wanted to believe, but never been able to?
I know God can heal me. But will He? I've begged and prayed, longing for His peace and joy, for emotional wholeness. Of all the things I know I want in life, I know that this is at the core. What do I have to do to live that way?
No comments:
Post a Comment