The fact is, I'm a monster. I have been ungracious, ungrateful, bitter, perverse, bigoted, greedy, and entirely self-serving. I have seen a selfish end in every means of my life. And this behavior, and these tendencies, have reflected internally. I feel empty and rotten inside, and fraudulent on top of it all. I've let my guard down and allowed my faith to slip away.
But now for the good news: there is hope.
I know why I've faltered. I've allowed the world to distract me with hurts and worries, as well as with pleasures. But I'm so tired of living this selfish life and putting on a mask to try and hide it. I see the joyful state in which other Christians live; a joy that can't be faked, which can only come from the Lord. This genuineness is what I seek, and I am committing right now, in this evening, to go to every length to live my life in that way; to put God first and centered, and to abandon all things that would get in the way of that. The time is now.
do you truly believe...
ReplyDelete- that the outward emotional expressions of people different than yourself (that is, the small fraction you experience personally) are complete and accurate depictions of their spiritual states?
- that any Christian would qualify as *not* two-faced, based on the criteria you're setting yourself against in this post? (e.g. selfishness, perversion, greed)
- that those negative feelings (empty, rotten, fraudulent) are a result of *only* the disparity between your proclaimed religion and your values?
1. I don't think anyone has it together emotionally all the time, even if they seem to. However, I also don't think that emotions are necessarily an accurate depiction of spiritual state. Even biblical "heroes" all had their dark patches emotionally. What I'm talking about here is the underlying joy and peace that is provided by relationship with Christ. You might ask, "If you haven't experienced it, how do you know that's something everyone experiences as a Christian?" Firsthand, I don't. I know what I'm told, and what I've observed. I also know that I've faltered on certain essentials, and so I can't expect the results that hinge on them.
ReplyDelete2. This isn't really about other people possibly being two-faced. I'm not here to judge them or compare my actions or inactions against theirs. I know the things I've done, and they weigh on me because of the conviction that's been placed on me. I can only assume every other follower of Christ experiences something similar, and then lives out their life accordingly. Or, they spend countless measures of time wrestling pridefully against a truth they don't like, as I've done in the past.
3. It's not even that there's a disparity between my faith and my values. It's that so often, I'll know what's right, and against my better judgment, I'll do what's wrong anyway. Not even necessarily because I want to or because it's easier. Truth be told, I don't know why I do the things I do; it's an unconscious decision. For instance, I tend to lose my temper, often about stupid little things. Is it easy? No, it's actually more exertion. Do I want to? Obviously, also no. But I do it anyway, presumably because of the sinful state of man. And yet, I take responsibility for my shortcomings, and that sort of behavior in the face of what I proclaim makes me feel fraudulent, into emptiness and rottenness.