Lapse

For the past three years or so, I have called myself a Christian. I have jumped through hoops and integrated myself into Christian community and culture. And I've blended, more or less. But I can no longer ignore the two-faced, double-minded nature that is my life outside the Church.

The fact is, I'm a monster. I have been ungracious, ungrateful, bitter, perverse, bigoted, greedy, and entirely self-serving. I have seen a selfish end in every means of my life. And this behavior, and these tendencies, have reflected internally. I feel empty and rotten inside, and fraudulent on top of it all. I've let my guard down and allowed my faith to slip away.

But now for the good news: there is hope.

I know why I've faltered. I've allowed the world to distract me with hurts and worries, as well as with pleasures. But I'm so tired of living this selfish life and putting on a mask to try and hide it. I see the joyful state in which other Christians live; a joy that can't be faked, which can only come from the Lord. This genuineness is what I seek, and I am committing right now, in this evening, to go to every length to live my life in that way; to put God first and centered, and to abandon all things that would get in the way of that. The time is now.