In light of life calming down and my insecurities beginning to level out, I've had a lot of mental energy to process some things. But since I was basically doing that anyway, that energy has made me a bit restless. It's an uncomfortable feeling, when you sense that your relationship with Christ is entering a bit of a lull. But as I reflected on that this morning, it gave me some interesting things to think about.
Specifically, my thoughts this morning led back to a couple of years ago, when my journey was only beginning. Internally, I had an aim; somewhat of an end-goal, as far as where my faith would go. My goal was this: to be "right" with God. The thing is, if I could take a picture of my relationship with Him now and send it back to myself back then, I imagine it would be pretty close to what I had in mind. In that sense, I have arrived at my initial destination. Journey complete, right?
Wrong.
Part of me knew this all along. Of course, being a silly, limited human, I largely ignored certain glaringly obvious truths about faith, probably because they made me uncomfortable. That is why we ignore the truth, isn't it? At least, that's what seems to be true of me.
The similarities between a relationship with Christ and any other relationship are... well, nearly identical. At least in many respects. The one I specifically have in mind is the unending nature of them. In any healthy kinship, friendship, or romance, one thing you never anticipate at the beginning is a termination, happy or otherwise. It's never part of the plan. It happens, of course, but you don't plan for it, and when it does, it's a tragedy to some degree.
In contrast, when I began following Christ, I dreamed of the happy end, when I would be the man God intended me to be, which basically meant peacefully and joyfully following Him. What I didn't realize then was that this point, where I actually am now, is not an end at all, but a continuation. More like a checkpoint.
I had a similar revelation early on, when I discovered that the point when I truly became a Christian, in deed as well as in name, was not the happy end, but only the beginning. Now, in recognizing the relationship that is Christianity, as well as spending some time wondering why I feel strangely unfulfilled by my endgame, I'm forced to logically conclude that the idea of an endgame at all is false. I can't be "right" with God, except in my acceptance of His grace and choice to follow Him. That much is decided, but there is and will always be more room for the relationship to grow and develop.
In fact, I think that's the original intention. Even pre-sin, and by extension, post-salvation. I believe that since we were created with relationship in mind, even in a perfect world, in the state we call "heaven," the design allows, encourages, and even requires unbounded growth.
I think the reason I've been so uncomfortable with that is that it's infinite, and therefore not possible to fully grasp. Similar, I imagine, to the way that we're at first uncomfortable with the idea of God being who He is. Yet, this need not be a cause for discomfort, but rather a source of sheer reassurance: how unfathomably beautiful it is to have such infinite freedom from an infinite Creator, who loves us infinitely.
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