It's been a little while since I posted last. The reasons for that are that, number one, I've been busy, what with the school semester wrapping up. There hasn't been much time for nonessentials. However, second, and more importantly, I've noticed a definite negative trend in my last two or three posts. Such things don't help anything, and so my position was one of debate over whether or not to keep this blog going. For the time being, it get to stay. But I want it to reflect a more positive outlook.
Now, on point, this actually ties in a little bit.
With my last post I addressed an issue that is actually still of great concern for me—the ability of human beings to change. But our faith hinges on the belief in a redeemed life. Without that, there would be no hope. For anyone.
With my last post, I was clearly downtrodden, as I've been a lot lately. It's demoralizing to repeatedly make the same mistakes and slip back into the same sinful habits, all the while longing all the more for a godly life. Such things indicate double-mindedness, which I may or may not address in a different post.
I'm the sort of person to get demoralized easily. I criticize myself far more than anyone else does, and so my mistakes are blown out of proportion in my mind. This sets me on a downward spiral, from which circumstances of escape seem mostly arbitrary. That is to say, I can't get myself out of that plunge.
However, when I offer myself a little grace and cut myself some slack, I've noticed, just tonight actually, that things aren't as hopeless as they appear at first blush. (Surprise, surprise, right?) In fact, I'm much closer to my goal than I'd ever dare give myself credit for. The reason I know that ties in with things several people have said over the past few months about their observations of me.
The truth is, I recognize my shortcomings. I'd pretty much have to, with the unsafe amount of introspection in which I allow myself to indulge. Such behavior depresses me like nobody's business, yet it also gives me some clarity as far as what things about myself I need to fix. This, I think, is a revelation many people don't reach.
Now of course, seeing all of my shortcomings, either at face value or through my far-worse perception of them, is what puts me into a depressive state. The reason for that is because it seems hopeless with all the changes I need to make. I feel like I can never do it. And my frequent backslides only exacerbate things further, by making it look like I haven't even made any progress at all. But when I'm in my right mind, I'm able to look behind me and see the changes apparent in my life between now and even just a few months prior.
The plus side of having that deeply introspective tendency is that it does reveal my critical flaws. That's necessary if they're ever going to change. My analysis of those flaws, in turn, gives me a sort of blueprint—a checklist, almost: things I can/must still work on.
A conclusion I reached earlier this evening is that knowing these things, even though they bring me down, is better than knowing something is wrong, but not knowing what. Because with this blueprint, so to speak, I at least have something to work on. In a manner of speaking, I may not have the answers yet, but I do know the right questions to ask. And to me that seems like half the battle.
